I’ve received a couple of follow-up emails from friends asking what’s prompted my dump of questions in 3/21’s entry.
First off, yes, I am well aware of the self-deconstructive tone of my questions. Many of those questions reflect my personal journey, thoughts I have about myself, the work, our church ministry… granted, I maintain that deconstruction is an act of love, which stimulates the necessary chaos from which creativity and beauty are born. I am the last one to poo-poo deconstruction. I also feel an invitation to listen more deeply to my deep longing for the approval of others, and often as I become aware of that need, there is a part of me that wants to judge my motives, which tends open up into a black hole of self-shaming, (i.e. – why am I writing this post?)
One of my growing convictions is that love is a type of “emptying.” As best as I am able, I am trying to give myself to those who connect to me even for a short period of time; offering a real glimpse into my life, narrative, and challenges… not because I have anything figured out. In my journey, some of the most helpful people along my path pulled back the veil of their lives, inviting me to see something of their real lives. I am all too aware of how marbled my motives and intentions are, and so in light of God’s grace, I try to live in God’s grace and freedom, and might allow me to offer myself without shame. But anyone who knows me well, knows that I run around the Eden of my life searching for fig leaves to hide my nakedness. It is my great hope and prayer that one day I can stand before you naked and unashamed.
I find myself asking whether I can be content to pastor a seemingly insignificant community in near obscurity – and I want to say “I can,” but in reality, I’m just not sure.
As I mentioned on Chad Canipe’s site; community looks as close to “nothing” as something can. Community is the un-spectacle; the glorious-mundane. Yet I still have this longing to feel like I have made a “big” difference, and somehow I have a hard time seeing that in the people right in front of me. The big question for me in all of this is how might I grow in curiosity, openness, and love of self?
Peace, dwight
