Those who know me well, know that I have lived with clinical depression for much of my adult life. It’s probably more actuate to acknowledge that I’ve been navigating depression as long as I can remember, long before any diagnosis; I just didn’t have language or a community that could help me make sense of what I was experiencing. Over the years I’ve developed a plethora of coping mechanisms that generally work pretty well for me… until they don’t.
Yesterday was a very dark day for me. If you know anything about living with depression, then you know about the black hole. Yesterday a black hole opened up and its pull was irresistible… so strong. I swirled down and down, deeper and deeper. Despair. Hopeless. So heavy. So alone. No way out. To mix my metaphors, I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of a smothering blanket – a blanket I know so well – it was a cement truck; just thinking of it makes me shudder. I wasn’t sure I would make it out from underneath. And no, I hadn’t skipped my meds.
It seemed like none of my strategies were working; neither my more healthy strategies, nor my less healthy ones. Not prayer, not meditation, not journaling, not activity, not talking with my partner, not ice cream, not alcohol, not sleep, not eating Doritos, not working, nothing. That said, eventually, I found my way to music. I went to some of my standards. An eclectic assortment of artists and songs I’ve complied over the years. Each song identifies with some facet of my experience, my suffering, or my sadness. Somehow my growing list of songs reminds me that others know these feelings and that I am not alone. Still, in my bleakest moments I feel so abandoned, so utterly alone; like when Jesus cries out from the cross, “my God, my God why I have you forsaken me”… a little bit of me can relate with what he may have felt. There are some songs that I would swear have saved my life; if someone else can find words and go on, then maybe I can too.
Yesterday I found Odesza’s latest LP, “The Last Goodbye.” Odesza is a band – a duo really – from Bellingham Washington. I’ve heard them for years on KEXP radio, and their latest title track, “The Last Goodbye” (Let Me Down Easy), has been played quite a bit. But this was my first time attending to their whole LP. So glad I did!
At least yesterday, this recording was connection and belonging. I’m playing it right now as I’m writing this and the tears are streaming. At the top of this post I linked to the whole recording. The opening and closing tracks especially held me… and I’m linking to the closing track below. So good.
Thank you Odesza… didn’t even know I needed you, but I did and I do.
Friend, if you are relating with what I’m describing here but have no one to talk with at the moment, please don’t suffer alone. You matter, and there is help. Dial 988 for a free and confidential crisis and suicide lifeline, or visit www.988Lifeline.org.
Light of Day
by Odesza, featuring Ólafur Arnalds
If I reach the light of day now If I reach the light, I'm okay If I reach the light of day now On my way If I reach the light of day now If I reach the light, I'm okay If I reach the light of day now Somewhere on my way If I reach the light, I'm okay If I reach the light of day now If I reach the light, I'm okay (If I reach the light, I'm okay) If I reach the light of day now If I reach the light, I'm okay If I reach the light of day now If I reach the light, I'm okay If I reach the light of day now Somewhere on my way If I reach the light, I'm okay
Peace, dwight
