“Procrastination” is just one of the words to describe my way of being lately. I have been searching for distractions from those things which I must do. Among my distractions this week: I built a wall nook to house DVDs and CDs, trimmed my hedges, painted my f
ront door, refaced my garage door, coded my newer books to the Dewey decimal system, and repaired an old desktop computer in my studio. These were all distractions from my more critical to-do list. I tend to be a fairly highly motivated person with a strong work ethic (too hard and too long . . . much of the time), so this feels odd.
To all who have emailed or attempted any form of correspondence with me in recent weeks, you need to know that my absence is nothing personal. Please, forgive me. Some of my writing projects screeched to a halt as I simply can’t seem to write a coherent sentence. Not only is my thinking is clouded but for some reason I can’t even finish reading a book: I’ve started reading dozens but I just can’t bring myself to finish them. I am experiencing a soul-disturbance of sorts.
I received some warnings that following the completion of my doctoral studies an identity crisis (of sorts) could follow maybe that’s where I am?
The question I find myself sitting with has to do with differentiation. By differentiation I mean my ability to maintain my sense of self when my relationships, tasks, jobs, and communities are morphing. Differentiation is not the same as individualism. My use of differentiation has to do with bringing Dwight to the other, to the tasks, to the jobs, and to the communities regardless of what those things bring to me. I am not denying social constructive theory here, rather highlighting the importance of myself in community.
I guess I am wondering whether I have become dependent on my relationships, tasks, jobs, and communities in ways that bind me to perform. I feel a lot of “shoulds” in my life at the moment; while grace seems to have retreated into a theological belief rather than the way of life that has been so freeing for me in the past. How might I move in the direction of self-differentiation?
Relationality is the dance of differentiation with intimacy. This is the Triune life of God. I feel like I can faintly hear a Divine invitation in my current “soul-disturbance.” But offering myself to the relationships, tasks, jobs, and communities in my life has always been an issue for me. Right now, my desire for approval and praise is crippling.
Peace, dwight
i can only comment from my perspective as a would-be artist. sometimes, it seems to me that these times of "soul-disturbance" are really my soul in active retreat to the quiet place where my mind can lay fallow while my hands do a different kind of work, a work that connects me to things you can touch, to the "real" outside of ideas and deadlines. it seems like i’m ignoring something important, but lots of times i’m just doing a different kind of refueling, so i can bring my best self to the task i care about most. sometimes i need to see an organized closet or a freshly scrubbed floor in order to gather my courage for my primary creative tasks. it’s all connected, and i’m learning to find kinder ways to explain my flight. i don’t know why, but the best things happen when i surrender to the ways my soul creates best.
for whatever it’s worth.
and many blessings to you.
surely a freshly painted door does the heart good. 🙂