The spiritual directors who have walked alongside me throughout my life journey are one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. These unique people play a particular role our lives. Within the swath of Christian traditions we generally speak of God as Tri-une. Three persons, one being. Living relationship. As such love is less an “act” of the Divine and more the being or life of God.
Our primary creational narratives intentionally name God’s creative acts as reflective of God’s own image and likeness. This narrative helps inform our imagination of humans as relational creatures. Titles like “soul friends,” “anam caras,” “wise guides,” “spiritual directors,” and – to a degree – even “pastors” are names we give to specific kinds of human relationships that by doing life together open us to see ourselves with greater clarity while helping us discover the Divine in the everyday stuff of life.
Over years I have identified a few best practices for entering an intentional relationship with a spiritual director. So I’ve penned a rough draft of a few recommended Do’s and Don’ts. I’ll begin with my Don’ts:
- Do NOT waste a spiritual director’s time unless you are serious about praying daily and meeting regularly (say, once a month) with the director. If you resist such a discipline, a few meetings with a gifted director may help clarify your resistance. Your discipline does not have to be perfect, but your intention must be mature, before spiritual direction will be useful to you.
- Do NOT use a spiritual director as a therapist. The spiritual director is trained in the life of prayer, and may or may not have training in areas of counseling and psychology. An effective spiritual director will refer you to a therapist if your concerns are more psychological than theological. A good rule of thumb: therapy seeks greater personal satisfaction and effectiveness in life; spiritual direction seeks greater union with God — an objective which carries no guarantee of “satisfaction” or “effectiveness.”
- Do NOT seek spiritual direction from a spouse, family member, or close friend. Most often a person is too close to persons in these categories for meaningful direction.
- DO state your expectations and concerns about spirituality up front. Strive to be honest with the director. Remember, your relationship is with God; the director is simply there as a resource person.
- DO make sure you and the director communicate clearly about frequency and duration of meetings, length of time until you evaluate the relationship (I recommend evaluating the spiritual direction relationship every six months), and payment issues. Many directors give this ministry freely, while others charge a fee per visit. Clarify this point.
- DO change directors when appropriate (as a courtesy, direction relationships should only end at agreed-upon times, such as the end of six months). Trust your inner wisdom when a director does not seem to work for you.
peace, dwight
